dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize