Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
