The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
