my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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