I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
