Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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