These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm always down for nudity.
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