you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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