i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
