Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
