Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
