you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
