3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
