The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
