Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
