He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
