I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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