she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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