Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Holy shit dude........stairs
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
