Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
