Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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