I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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