he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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