He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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