you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
