Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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