is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I want her autograph on my taint
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize