I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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