I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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