I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
