i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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