I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You can't special order awesome
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize