I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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