the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
