I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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