I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
