Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
