xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
