So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
handjob tips. give me some.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
