Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
