sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
