he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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