I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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