Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
