You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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