Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
