you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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