He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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