Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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