ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
