Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
