My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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