Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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