I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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