i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
