girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
