ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
